Relationship Questionnaire

Have you ever worried you and your partner might be arguing too much, or too little? Do you think you are a ‘good’ arguer? Do you feel you always give in? Or do feel you are quick to lose your temper?

How you communicate with your partner is crucial in a relationship, and arguing is an important part of that. Also how you and your partner both approach arguing could be very different. Take 5 minutes to do this quick Relate survey to find out how you approach arguments/ misunderstandings. You can also forward this questionnaire onto your partner to find out how your styles match up.

1) If a partner criticised me for not helping around the house, I would:

  1. Remind them of all the things I do to contribute
  2. Remind them of the ways they don’t pull their weight
  3. Tell myself it’s not a big deal
  4. Feel hurt, but ask what more they need me to do
  5. Draw up a list of jobs and go through it together working out what’s fair

2) If a partner suggests taking a holiday I’m not sure about taking:

  1. I will feel quite wary
  2. I’ll talk to them until I feel sure
  3. I sidestep the suggestion or take time to think about it
  4. I try to understand why they wanted that and agree if I can
  5. I ask for their reasons before I agree

3) The thing I hate most is when my partner:

  1. Queries my decisions
  2. Won’t discuss things
  3. Keeps on and on at me
  4. Is never satisfied with what I’m trying to give them
  5. Digs their heels in

4) If things get heated with a partner, my best way of coping is to:

  1. Defend my own position clearly
  2. Say what I feel, no holds barred
  3. Ignore it, let things blow over
  4. Be the peacemaker
  5. Think through the problem

5) Partners who really love each other:

  1. Allow each other to be true to themselves
  2. Hang on in there even if the argument gets painful
  3. Never or rarely argue
  4. Are willing to give up what they want in order to please the other
  5. Take both partners’ needs into account as much as they can

6) If a partner and I were organising a party, I’d prefer:

  1. Us to each do what we’re good at, or to do it my way
  2. To talk through every decision, even if that caused friction
  3. Keep calm, otherwise I lose concentration and motivation
  4. One of us to take the lead and the other to follow
  5. Us to make a plan and carry that through together

7) For me, the way sex and arguments relate is:

  1. I feel more like having sex if I win an argument than if I lose
  2. Arguments often lead to (or involve) really good sex
  3. If we argue, I rarely feel like having sex
  4. Having sex is often a sign that the argument is over and we’re connected again
  5. Once we’re calm and have reached agreement, then I’m happy to have sex

8) Giving in during an argument is something:

  1. I feel bad about doing
  2. Which doesn’t make sense to me – I like to argue until things are sorted
  3. I might do, to keep the peace
  4. I feel fine about – it’s a sign of love
  5. I’m uneasy about – no one should have to give in

9) I feel arguing is a sign that:

  1. My partner is trying to overrule or somehow dominate me
  2. Our relationship is healthy and thriving
  3. Something is wrong with the relationship
  4. My partner is unhappy and that’s not good
  5. We have an issue that needs resolving

10) My deepest fear during an argument is that a partner will:

  1. Steamroller me into something
  2. Cut off from me/become distant
  3. Swamp me with their emotion
  4. Love me less
  5. Persuade me into something because they feel strongly about it

11) I’ve sometimes been accused of:

  1. Digging my heels in
  2. Letting rip far too much
  3. Refusing to face relationship issues
  4. Not standing up for myself
  5. Letting my head rule my heart

12) The point where discussion turns to argument for me is when:

  1. I feel I’m being criticised
  2. Our voices and movements get more lively
  3. I start to feel things aren’t getting resolved
  4. I wonder what I need to do to make things all right
  5. We start getting over-emotional

13) If I disagreed with a partner, and our children (or other people’s children) were present, I would:

  1. Justify myself; it’s good for children to see people holding their ground
  2. Dismiss my partner’s concerns, it’s good for children to see people arguing things through
  3. Say nothing; it’s not good for children to see people arguing
  4. Take my partner’s points on board; it’s good for children to see people willing to compromise and accommodate
  5. Steer the discussion to the issues; it’s good for children to see people thinking through disagreements

14) If I was asked to describe in one word how I feel during an argument, the word would be:

  1. Threatened
  2. Energised
  3. Overwhelmed
  4. Insecure
  5. Frustrated

15) The best way for a partner to calm me during an argument is to:

  1. Show they’re taking my views and feelings into account
  2. Show they’re willing to keep going until we’re done
  3. Leave me alone
  4. Give me a way to help them feel better
  5. Keep calm themselves and logically argue their case

16) I typically argue about:

  1. Things I feel are important to me
  2. Everything and anything, big things and small
  3. Nothing at all
  4. Very little – I prefer to adapt than fight
  5. The topics that need to be resolved

17) If a partner and I clash about money:

  1. I often feel I’m being asked to alter my spending or saving habits
  2. The argument can keep rolling on for ages
  3. I like to find solutions as quickly as possible
  4. I try to take my partner’s views on board even if I don’t agree with them
  5. I prefer to sit down and work through the facts and figures

18) Typically, in my previous partnerships, arguments eventually:

  1. Became about issues that were more and more trivial
  2. Lost their positive side and became increasingly negative
  3. Ruined the relationship
  4. Left me feeling hopeless
  5. Got to the point that we could never resolve anything

19) For me, the ideal argument:

  1. Is fairly low key and always supportive
  2. Is high energy and often quite forceful
  3. Is always brief and friendly
  4. Can be quickly resolved if you care enough
  5. Is about issues rather than emotions

20) I couldn’t live with a partner who constantly:

  1. Nagged or criticised
  2. Sulked or brooded
  3. Pleaded or begged
  4. Withdrew or threatened to leave
  5. Manipulated or emotionally blackmailed

If you feel that you’re struggling with your relationship and would like support wither as an individual or couple then get in touch.  Relationship counselling can be helpful to understand underlying issues and work on them to create a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.